The Difference Between Falling and Leaning

I listened to Dessa in ways

I had never heard her before

I looked up at my cat from below

as if I was small

His fur rose and quivered
like wildfire

and indeed I was small

Sosh couldn't hear
my missing words

and pleas for interruptions

outside myself

so I took a bath

while she fell asleep

and I prepared
to fall into a void

pass through the abyss

and land firmly

in my subconscious

visions, weaving
symbolic language

without ego

without effort

But I was still distinctly

in my corporeal body

I just stopped creating

I left nothing in front of me.

It was less than death

It was more than darkness

I ceased to exist

I intended to find buried secrets

and lean toward my impermanence

but the surrender was only submission

the darkness was only nothingness

Leaning is more like breathing

you stop attaching

you keep existing

you leave the mind

and the body keeps experiencing

I stopped to feel my chest

and watch the fireworks for a minute

then, I heard a girl scream in the distance

as if out in the airfield

something had happened

But I realized

it was just me

a fantasy of a little girl

victimized and lonely

No one had ever come to

save me

I had walked alone

to hug the sand

and feel the breathe

and tell her I'd take care of it

then I let her go

and I kept moving