Every now and then this all gets at a spoken word gem

This used to be the spot to find a friend
and now I just get waves from my mistakes
it's enough to plan an escape
maybe if I had a fresh face
they could find good in me.

I hope there's enough left when the time comes
because my nerve endings get deader
with each missed connection
and It gets hard to love the reflection
when it's the only thing getting seen

I couldn't dream of what I must look like, or
of deserving to be this happy
and then having none of the tools to receive it
I try so hard to change the subject
I think of projects and push it outward
still my mind loves to obsess over
and self destruct.

Seeking over and over, the symbolic death
I could never stop learning and
my body would still never mature from it.

Since,
I could never let go of the grudges I had
and the needs that weren't met
and now each face is just a replacement
from all the neglect.

It wasn't even that bad,
but the more I rationalize the more disconnected I am
and I beg for the pain
I beg for the death
I search for explosion
and I lay covert plans,
praying,

I will become ashes and burst from it
with a body that's settled
and doesn't feel the concept of
being content, as simply abstraction

And maybe I will finally connect
to all the things my higher mind has come to understand
instead, of sweating under a hot display
seeing better and better all of my chains
But I'm in a glass box and I can't touch a thing.

I glide through experiences disassociated
narrating future conversations which never even happen
and combing over details til something may as well have never happened,
twisting it and exploiting it
for art and revolution.

I keep saying it's our evolution
and then try to focus on the force of will
my boot straps are wrapped around my neck
and I'm gonna get killed
if I can't find a way to connect

Let go of the grudges
and give my body deliverance
I have no masters in life or in death
not even myself
I'm not sure I ever did

They say it's my age
but I still have all of this rage
from being apart from my skin and the earth
and I know we're all the same
it's just that I'm searching against the grain
while others don't acknowledge any pain
they just get empty instead

But,
I'm at no benefit to understand this
I'd much rather experience my thoughts
turn into energy and flow through my fingers
to the dirt in my hands
and come back to me completing a space
where I am all that I crave
where I can truly know happiness
where I can just be