Poem for a Pilgrimage

Three heel clicks and I'm home
and is it the same as before?
Will it all reset and begin once more?
Unchanged apart from trinkets and awkward tan lines
or could I finally cross that bridge to what I'm missing?

I've walked a dozen bridges over Atlantic rivers
and all I can do is pray it's made a difference
and that the energy in my cells have made it through
finally to my skin, once again permeable

The bodies don't just pass through it
but in and out and in again
always open to take a chance
always hoping to live on the edge
Not struggling to connect my nerves to it

Before, I'd hear the noise come out
and when they ask me if I'm alright
I'm not sure how to answer since,
it was only for their benefit
I really had nothing to do with it

they all have different requests
and I just try my best to leave the thought from it
my body left in the center of the bed
Hoping this is what they wanted
Hoping we can lay back and enjoy it,
so I don't have to think

It was always meant to be virtuous
but it turned to some hollow escape
and now I'm going back to resume my relationships,
all the same

They're essentially good for keeping me self sufficient
for keeping me alone and barely comfortable
but they're frought with
double lives and omitted honesties
a series of motions never processed
but to measure my validation
and occasionally analyze my ethics

He said I'm pretty ballsy
and I fought off a wince,
having never considered this one of my qualities
perhaps fearless but still cowardly
Never willing to wait
to feel both satisfied and safe
always settling for the numbing
Watching my body run tasks
No freewill available to choose risking connection
Just the automatic avoidance of pain

I need my past to be irrelevant
so I can recreate myself, once again,
soft and tender
so there is no one left who remembers I said
I didn't need to be attached or tethered
only people who know I love them
whether or not there are words for it

I'll build home in their faces
and communicate via presense
and I'll be alone but never feel alone again
I'll remember the feel of the bodies
and the series of events;
a pinch, a kiss, a pat on the head

A half-hearted hug trying to convince himself
it was only farewell for now and not goodbye,
Then a wave and a sigh and a train getting quiet,
but it was alright
because I had burned the impression in my mind the night before

I clung firmly to the hard lines
and brought the noises to my ear
like this was the last time we'd ever hear release
And I released my fears and inhibitions
out the window on the 4th floor
and with any luck, I won't find them
in the corners of my room back home
It will make all the difference
It won't fade into the afterglow